Smoking To Remember Mom
I just lost my mom to cancer, two weeks ago today. She not only was my mom, she was my best friend too. Even though the last few years were a bit of a "rocky" relationship. I know now that that was because both of us were hurt by self doubt about whether the other cared. I think the both of us realized near the end of her life, that we both cared a lot for each other. When she was in the hospital after breaking her hip(she smoked for 65 years)I would take her down to the smoking room. After about a week of fidgeting, I realized that when I sat at the table and had a coffee with her, I was use to having a cigarette. At the time I hadn't had one for sixteen years at least. So I asked her for a cigarette. She passed me her cigarettes and I had one. She put a great big smile on her face and we had the first "fun" gab we had had in a long time. I realized later that she likely missed having someone to have a cigarette with, since all the family had quit smoking. So from then on I bought my own and smoked when I was around her. I also found out at the same time that it was easier to strike up a conversation with co-workers at work if I plunked my butt, lit up a cigarette and started to gab. When my mom was in the last stages before she died, I smoked like a chimney with or without anyone. During the funeral I smoked like a chimney and right up to a few days ago. I stopped smoking for four days, partly because I was afraid I was becoming addicted. I had no problems with not smoking. I went out this morning and bought another pack. I find it strangely comforting. Why? Do you have any advice?
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